I haven’t had a lot to say lately on The Daily Sampler. If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all. But I do miss you.
From December through the early parts of this summer, it’s been a tough go. I’ve gotten accustomed to being in survival mode: get up, get ready, go to work, feed and love child, put her to sleep, watch 1-2 episodes of a show I don’t care that much about and go to bed. Repeat. I guess there are seasons like this and you just go with it.
The week of June 27th was a week I dreaded for a long time. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel, but I knew it would be heavy. June 27th was the due date from the pregnancy I lost. I prepared myself for a broken heart all over.
The week of June 27th ended up being the week that I found out ….I am pregnant again.
I don’t know if this is what a miracle feels like, but I was overwhelmed by the timing of this news. I realized as we started trying to get pregnant that the “results” week happened to fall on that same week of June that I long dreaded. The fear of finding out that maybe it didn’t work on the same day I was supposed to welcome a new baby was almost too much for me to bear. I found myself praying (long lapsed Catholic here,) for a miracle. Please don’t let me have to be doubly devastated this last week in June. And instead, I was gifted joy.
The first trimester has been terrifying. I’ve been pretty sick. I’ve gained about 15 lbs. on top of the pregnancy weight I didn’t lose from the last time. I have been scared to exercise because I wasn’t doing much before learning I was pregnant. I had an episode of spotting that sent me into panic overdrive. I’ve had THREE, count ‘em- THREE ultrasounds to monitor a subchoronic (new word!) hemorrhage found in my uterus. I had my new doctor tell me, “Welp, I tried,” after she was unable to find baby’s heartbeat with her doppler at our first meeting. It’s been stressful. We made it to the second trimester, and this week we saw our baby again- all essential parts accounted for, wiggling about in my belly.
Last night, we were shocked to discover despite all of my knowing motherly instincts telling me otherwise, we are expecting another baby GIRL in March. My Lily will become a big sister. Our hearts are bursting.
I know how lucky we are. The seven months we waited for good news is nothing compared to what others face. To everyone who is still in that monthly cycle of hell, I feel you. I send you strength and wish you a rainbow of your own.