Ah pregnancy. A great adventure. Some women love it, some women not so much. I wanted to love every moment of this pregnancy because I wanted it so badly. It has definitely been an adventure and a test of my broken down faith. From spotting to swelling, almost halfway in, I’ve experienced it all.
Yesterday we received news that baby girl has what’s called SUA- single umbilical artery, which means instead of the three arteries that typically run through the umbilical cord, there is only one to do the oxygenating and flushing of waste. Everything else looked great and our girl has a beautiful heart, brain, five fingers and five toes. I am grateful that this looks to be an isolated abnormality. Still, that word, “abnormality” is enough to cause any parent to stop breathing for a moment.
The difference now is we’ll be very closely monitored (more opportunities to see her- I’ll take it!) The biggest change for me is two-fold: I must let go of the outcome of this situation AND clear out every stressor or unnecessary project in my life to focus on being present and staying calm. These are about the two hardest you could ask of me. I have trouble giving up control of cleaning the bathroom, so the idea of giving up controlling the health and wellness of my baby feels daunting. I know how silly it sounds to assume I have any say in anything beyond cleaning the bathroom, but that’s the “Type A” life for ya. My faith in something bigger isn’t what it used to be, and now it’s something I have to work on.
I’ve recently been reading “Super Attractor,” by Gabrielle Bernstein. I discovered Gabby years ago with her first (poorly crafted) book and have enjoyed her messaging ever since. Thankfully, her writing has improved with time. It’s all very woo-woo faith-in-the-universe and overall goodness of this world type stuff. Remember that? Goodness in the world? Me too- barely. Sometimes it feels a little out there, but I have nothing to lose by following along.
Gabby shared a story about her own struggle with fertility and after 3 years, she was losing hope. She felt she spent the majority of that time trying to control the outcome, doing everything “right”, and seeing no results. She knew she had to surrender. She asked for a sign that things would work out. Now yes, this is where things get a little extra. She was specific about the sign she wished to see and asked for it within 24-hours. Sure enough, she received it and was able to find some peace in her long journey. Eventually, she gave birth to a healthy baby boy.
I asked for my own sign the other day- before I even received the news about SUA. My entire pregnancy has been plagued with a heavy anxiety and fear that something might go wrong. I was desperate for relief from this constant worry. I requested a rainbow- I envisioned a small, cartoon-ish rainbow with clouds on each end. I asked for it within 24 hours; a sign that baby girl is healthy, growing perfectly and will be born on time in March. I looked HARD for RAINBOWS all night long but saw none. C’mon, universe!
The next day I had my monthly OB appointment and was happy to hear baby’s heartbeat with lots of moving and kicking. Once again, I felt some peace knowing she’s okay in there. I didn’t get my rainbow, but I felt much more at ease. Later in the day, I decided to wander Barnes and Noble and maybe buy something inspiring. Maybe not- I’m on an grown up budget now! Within minutes of browsing all the overpriced “gift” items at B&N, I looked up and saw it- my exact rainbow. It was on the front of a journal- my new journal. And it clocked in and just about 23.75 hours from when I made my request. I bought the journal and cried all the way back to work.
With the added knowledge of this concerning news, I have to continue to work on finding whatever things I can to remind myself that baby girl is okay, and that everything will be okay no matter what. I’ll take it all: prayers, positive vibes and signs.
Follow me on IG @thedailysampler to see my sign.