I drank the holiday Kool Aide long ago. I live for the coziness of it all. Hot beverages, fluffy blankets, sparkling trees, cheer, and overflowing generosity. Crooning holiday music always sets the stage for a romanticized December that we should *all* get to enjoy.

My mother, while never outwardly obsessed with the season, certainly made it memorable for my brother and I with all the fixins: Christmas movies, homemade cutouts, Christmas tunes always playing, fancy dresses— the works. It’s funny, if I ask her now, she doesn’t remember nearly as much as I do about the holidays while we were growing up. Now I understand why.

I HAVE become the person obsessed with all things Christmas. Now that I have two daughters of my own, the pressure is on to get it right— to make sure all the pieces are handled with care. 

Here is a list of what this includes, mostly so I, myself, can see it on paper:

• Create and collect wishlists
• Distribute wishlists (all personalized so there are no repeats!)
• Mail a physical wishlist to SANTA
• Buy the gifts for kids and family
• Coordinate schedules for holiday gatherings (work and personal)
• THE ELF. EVERY NIGHT. (And when your kid has sleep issues, these make for very late December nights and very early December mornings.)
• Carry the daily fear that someone might catch you executing holiday magic and everything will be ruined
• Buy outfits and shoes for spirit weeks, recitals, holiday parties, etc.
• Oversee getting an appropriate photo for the Christmas card. Order the Christmas cards. Send the Christmas cards. (Don’t forget the holiday stamps, duh.)
• Buy ingredients for all the cookies
• Make the cookies (cutouts alone require an entire weekend)
• Schedule festive holiday outings and experiences, including annual visits to see The Nutcracker and ride The Polar Express.
• Make plans for break so kids aren’t bored!
• Text back and forth with family members about what they bought for your children, and ensure there are no repeats or hurt feelings. If there are, coordinate with those who already purchased the repeats to sort and heal hurt feelings.
• Don’t forget haircuts!
• Wrap the gifts
• Host a party or two

This list does not include regular school and life needs (clean clothes, groceries, meals, making lunches, homework, dance and piano lessons, etc.) And if you’re me, you’re also coordinating the cleaning of your entire house that is still under renovation + moving back in + cleaning up the space you are currently living in + getting a tree up somewhere because Christmas is in less than 20 days.

You may view this list and think, “Well, you don’t have to do all of that on your own. You WANT to do this. You are ABLE to do this. ASK FOR HELP. Why are you complaining?”

All valid. 

I want to say for the people in the back that even if you have well-meaning friends, family, or spouses to help with any of these items, the brunt of it will STILL fall on the mom.
Why?
Because mom is the keeper of the magic. She is the one who makes sure details aren’t missed, like the fact that the elf was JUST in the kitchen. She can’t be there two nights in a row! And Mom knows the kids’ sizes. And she keeps the address book with all the family addresses. She knows when the school holiday parties are and which friends are looking for a Christmas break playdate. 

You may be able to get help, yes. (And please do if you can.) But the help won’t be quite the same. The help may step in begrudgingly. The help may promise to do something but is taking their sweet time executing when, I repeat, Christmas is less than 20 days away.

I want to say that even if you enjoy the trimmings of holiday celebration time like I do, you may still experience burnout. Your brain may still be a mushy gob of holding space for too many people, places, and things. You may have a few cries alone in your car with the heat blasting and a little treat in your cup holder. Like me, you may even neglect your basic needs and self care because life comes at ya fast. Just this week I had to cancel a much-needed therapy appointment during the latest snow day so everyone could play outside with friends and drink hot chocolate together. GOTTA MAKE MEMORIES AND STAY BUSY! 

I eat what’s quick and what’s available.
I move my body when it’s not too icy outside to do so.
I’m doing my best.

But inside? 

I’m exhausted.

I’m a tad resentful.

And I need so much more for Christmas than a sweater and good intentions.

This post is to celebrate and validate everyone out there making this time special for the people they love, but also to say- HOW CAN WE STOP THIS?

Is there a way to still be keepers of the magic, without sacrificing ourselves in the process? I’m sure there is, but I sure haven’t found it yet.