The last 6 months have been a powerful time of shedding.

Maybe it’s turning 40 in July, but I feel closer than I’ve ever felt to *the truth* about life. I know how that sounds. (DELULU)

But I think the people who aren’t having these moments of awakening and questioning everything are the delulu ones.

Those who are still so wrapped up in their projected identity, the path they feel required to follow, the belongings they think the need, the chase after money, fame, validation… I feel sorry for them.

I discovered how freeing it is to stop doing that.

I’m not saying it’s easy.

I’m definitely not saying I’m some evolved being while others are not. 

Well, I guess I am saying that. I’ve spent the year watching, like an out of body experience as the majority of humans continue on the path to numbness and dissatisfaction.

I don’t have it all figured out. I doubt I ever fully will. 

The journey to figuring it out is proving to hold all the secrets I never knew I needed.

So look, I spent my entire life chasing something:

-Approval

-Accomplishments

-Being a “good girl”/Doing “the right thing

-Having it “all together”

-A larger salary

-Notoriety

-My identity

-A smaller body

-Acceptance

-Validation

-Friends

-Love

And once I realized I could really, truly, truly stop chasing it all, not only did I finally access the relief I’ve been seeking since I was probably five, but much of what I used to seek arrived naturally- without force.

I had to go through some things to have the ability to release the chase. Going through the hardships and sometimes devastating things helped me get there. I bet you can get there without going through tons of hard times, but I also think hardships help you realize what you’re capable of and what’s most important.

I’ve pointed to this moment several times on other platforms, but last year in December, I found myself on the floor, weeping, Britney Spears blasting in the background (maybe some inner child stuff happening there lol), surrounded by tarps, paint brushes and a half-painted living room. I was breaking down after a year of trying so, so hard to get the things I wanted and seeing that the trying and forcing and pushing and “manifesting” didn’t work.

I had little control over the outcomes.

Even “showing up” to do the work or being ready to take action didn’t matter.

The things I thought I wanted did not happen.

And Thank God.
Thank God they didn’t.

Thank God that loser client didn’t pay me.
I remembered that day what it means to take my power back and stop living in fryer.

Thank God those two celebrity clients let me go without any warning earlier in the year.
It showed me how to get back up and keep moving forward, and eventually realize that those were’t the types of clients I wanted to work with, even though they looked shiny on my resume. I thought working with those types helped check those boxes I was chasing above.

Thank God I did that wild weight loss plan, dropped 40 lbs, and then gained almost all of it back.
It showed me after years of trying without success, my body is capable of healing itself, but that was not the way. 

The year taught me about what I really wanted: sustainability.

I want work and a lifestyle that’s sustainable.

I don’t want to be a carbon copy of a lip filler-pumped, wide brimmed hat-wearing, wealth-chasing coach who used to be a bartender but decided one day to be a guru for women.

I don’t want any of that anymore.

And even the trickier things I am still learning to let go of (like seeking approval, people pleasing, and worry)— I am aware of them. I have more moments of space and peace now around them.

All I did was let go of the need to be those things that were never meant for me–and what flooded in was so much better.

I don’t have the power to control everything that happens in my life, on the planet, or even for the people I love. I don’t have the power to dictate exactly how much revenue my business will generate this year— though I now have a much healthier mentality around what I really need to be happy and comfortable and how to get it- sustainably.

Knowing I don’t possess the power to control has given me back the power to experience life in a brighter, more beautiful way: one that is constantly open to possibilities, opportunities, and joy.

I have never felt more powerful.