I say too much. I always have. I was the kid who told her parents she got drunk at a high school party because the guilt was too much. I am the person who will try to find the nicest, most considerate way to tell a friend she maybe should divorce her husband because he’s abusive. I was once scolded by a professional acquaintance for venting too freely in a blog post about an employer who harassed me on a daily basis. And for all of that, I felt embarrassed and wondering if I should have bit my tongue. Maybe I should have. Maybe I shouldn’t have felt bad about speaking out. The last 12 months, I’ve held nearly everything back. It feels unnatural to me.
My thoughts on life have transformed rather drastically in my latest stage. The funny thing is, I feel more than I ever have before and I hold it in. I force myself to hold feelings, observations, opinions, joys and fears inside of me because I’m afraid of what others will think. What would my daughter think? What would my friends think? My employer? My family? I never used to think so much about everyone else before expressing myself. I think it’s hurt me a bit. Yes, I do believe in a place and time for everything, but this outlet is my place, and my time. You don’t have to be here if you aren’t interested. What if I’m judged? I predict a future version of myself would smile coyly and say, “What if you are?” I can’t wait to sit comfortably in that woman’s shoes.
Becoming a mother really changed me. I’ve talked about it on my other site so sorry if you have to hear it again. I was completely naive before of just what physical and chemical transformation would take place after having a child. I once wrote that I thought motherhood was both the most ordinary thing and the most extraordinary thing in the world. Though understated, I was pretty right on. I have never felt more ordinary or more extraordinary in my life. Those conflicting feelings are their own adventure.
The world is different. It’s darker. It’s more difficult. It’s scarier. I think we severely underestimate the effect these factors are having on our hearts and minds. I know it’s weighed heavily on me. I never know if I want to face these fears, or ignore them and build a protective bubble around myself and my family. I try to avoid the inevitable conflict of us vs. them. Me vs. the others. I feel like an “other.” It’s easier to avoid having these discussions than being labeled or ruining a relationship. But what damage does that do to us individually?
I have experienced a lot of things personally, professionally, and spiritually and I’ve stifled the urge to write about them. What will people think? There it is again.
I am a writer. I knew it was a passion in the earliest days of journal writing in elementary school. I love it and it soothes me. It helps free my mind, sort things out and often, makes me laugh. It has to happen daily so I can continue my own growth and transformation.
See you tomorrow.