One thing that has prevented me from writing is I don’t always know how to wrap my mind around the idea that….
I am going to be someone’s MOM!
From the moment we realized it was real to this moment, I’ve come a long way. It’s funny what some ultrasounds and swift internal kicks to the kidney can do to your perspective. I’ve been really lucky to have a mostly uneventful pregnancy and the majority of my hard times have come in the form of nausea, back and hip pain, horrible sleep, my first heartburn, and forever exhaustion. During these six months, I’ve had almost an outer-body experience, observing what it’s like to be pregnant for the first time. These are my observations.
Being pregnant in 2015, you become an “expert” thanks to pregnancy apps and the devil, [Google.] You read about 24-hour vomit episodes, turkey sub listeria nightmares, and accidentally stumble upon horrific pre-term labor photos. You find out you’re using the wrong food storage containers, shampoo, and that one wrong touch of ankle pressure during a pedicure can send your baby flying out of your uterus at the wrong time. Ah, the Internet. Then, when you relay all of this newly found expertise to your doctor, she laughs at you, and you begin to question everything. You throw out the natural shampoo because it was a daily punishment. And someone else’s OBGYN said it was fine to get a gel manicure, so you give in and get one finally. But still, you won’t mess with the turkey sandwich even though that’s the only thing on earth you really want to eat. So yeah, pregnancy has been weird and a mix of peace, exhilaration, fear, love, joy, worry, intense worry, excitement, and guilt.
Most days are spent answering the following questions:
- Is your nursery ready yet? (No.)
- Are you going to have a natural birth? (No.)
- Do you have a name yet? (No.)
- Did you choose a name since we last spoke yesterday? (No.)
- Did you at least narrow the name list down a little? (No.)
- Will you tell everyone when you pick the name? (No.)
There’s also another shower to plan now, and this one is even less fun than the bridal shower. You hate showers. You hate shower games. You hate asking people to give up 5 hours of their weekend to witness an extravagant opening of gifts. America is weird. But, people are extremely generous and want to give you wipe warmers and homemade blankets, so there will be a baby shower. It will be 3 weeks later than you wanted it, ensuring you will be monstrously swollen and forced to pretend you’re happy about pictures posted of the event on Instagram.
When all that noise gets quiet, you’re back to coping with the idea that you’re going to be responsible for keeping a brand new human alive, happy, comfortable, and loved. The last part will be the easiest part. You think idealistically about your sweet baby swaddled up, sleeping soundly on your husband’s chest, while you admire them and then have time to wash your hair (with your regular sulfate-filled shampoo) and do your makeup. You know the fantasies aren’t real, but you have to hang on to them because it makes the entire scenario less scary. Despite the delirium of sleeplessness, ripped-apart body, strange new dynamic to your marriage, and a need to buy deodorant (but you can’t, because you can’t leave… ever..) you put all that aside to think about what it will be like to meet your child for the first time. That’s what I’ve been thinking about more than anything.
And I’ve decided, that’s all that really matters. PS- she says hi. [kidney kick]