Rant Hoedown : Spring 2013

Hey. What a great day to get some rants out of the way, eh? Also, I’m stuck at a car service appointment. I know, I know- I have no room to complain about anything in the scheme of life. Mine is pretty great, and so many people are suffering for various reasons right now. I want you to know I get that. I also want you to know that many people have asked me when my next ‘rant of the month’ would occur. I figured I’d get a few things off my chest now and be done with it for the next few months. Sound good? Can ya dig it? Brace yourselves.

FEMALE COMEDIENNES/COMEDIANS:

This is one my husband suggested, since many of our evenings spent in front of the TV involve me rolling my eyes at the latest Comedy Central dolly premiering her new show, appearing like a fool on someone else’s show, or just bouncing around the Twitter-sphere, dying to be Sarah Silverman. Sarah is a good place to start, because she was the original object of my annoyance. I’ll admit, a large part of it was because of what I believed was her involvement in the dissolving of Jimmy Kimmel’s original marriage. I have trouble forgiving on that front. However, over the years, I’ve come to appreciate her schtick of total and complete ballsy, outrageous comedy, and even have tolerated her side of, “I’m super adorable, too” That being said- she was the first one of this generation of comediennes to adopt that style. It’s hers. Everyone else needs to find a different bit. I’m talking to you: Whitney Cummings, Amy Schumer, Natasha Leggero (maybe the worst of the new offenders-loves to CACKLE at her own unfunny material), etc. Even Chelsea Handler, who has carved out a nice little niche for herself, started out as an outrageous comedienne/alcoholic.. who also happens to be adorably attractive, with a side of badass. I’ll let her slide, because now she’s friends with Jennifer Aniston and I guess that makes her legit.

Bottom line: I’m aware that I sound like I’m committing girl-power blasphemy, but mostly, I want lady comediennes to rise to a higher, smarter, unique level. Obviously, you know of my girl crush on Tina Fey, but I respect a lot of other really talented women in the comedy field, as well. Raise the roof for Amy Poehler, Ellen DeGeneres, Wanda Sykes, Casey Wilson, and other ladies I haven’t even really spent a lot of time with. I know they are out there. PS- I can’t tolerate Kristen Schaal, either. I’m sorry. I really tried to give her a chance.

VIDEOS ON WEBSITES YOU DIDN’T WANT TO VIEW:

As I write this, my computer is crapping itself internally because I made the mistake of trying to look at The Jeselnik Offensive website for some episode information, and instead, it wanted to show me some commercial clips, trailers for upcoming episodes, and other BS that my sweet, old MacBook can no longer handle. If I wanted a video, I would Google a video.

FEMALE ATTIRE FOR SPRING/SUMMER 2013:

Okay. This one’s for maybe 70% of the female population. That’s a made up statistic, but I might be close. 70% of us, including myself, have boobs. Sometimes, those boobs are big. It’s true. Also, a lot of times, when one has boobs, they have these things called hips. I heard God supplied them for birthing purposes, but that’s just a rumor. The fashion industry has forever been designing for the 30% of girls that do not fall into the above categories, (and lucky, lucky them), but we 70 percenters are tired of it. On my latest shopping trip, I found lots of cute, baggy, flowing, summer-esque tops, dresses, and skirts that do one thing for girls with any kind of curves: makes us look ginormous. I’m completely aware that in order to do my curves justice, I need a little support, a little shape, and some cinching, for goodness sake. Big clothes make people over 100 pounds look bigger. It’s science. All I can do is cross my fingers for a change in fashion scenery this Fall. I made this comment the other day on Facebook and got a lot of like-minded, positive responses: how nice it would be to have clothes designed similar to the 1940’s and 50’s, when women had a natural waist, some room for their, ahem, assets and looked like… wait for it…. a GIRL!

pleated1940s

BRAD PITT IS A DOUCHE:

As I said, I don’t forgive infidelity. I don’t care that I don’t actually know the details of the Pitt/Aniston break up, but I do know what we saw afterwards. Remember this W Magazine cover (below), featuring BP and Angelina “playing house”, before his divorce was even finalized? Maybe it hadn’t even been filed yet? Then, there was this gem of an article this week (originating from Esquire Magazine), where Bradders talks about how he was “wasting his life away” until about a decade ago, when he washed his hands of things that were horribly holding him down. Geez, what happened about a decade ago? Oh yeah, he left Jennifer Aniston huddled on the ground weeping so he could move on with his life. Ick. I used to think he was so hot.

0705 W CVR NO UPC

KELLIE PICKLER WINS DANCING WITH THE STARS:

I’m only mentioning this because it just happened, I knew it was going to happen, and I have lost basically all interest in this show. Kellie came out looking like the professional dancer on episode 1. Yawn. Rigged. Boring. While we’re on the topic of boring reality shows, why is American Idol still on? And X Factor? If you’re not The Voice, I think you need to get off the air.

******

Thats probably about all you can handle for today. Check back in with me next month, when I report to you live, from Italy. Can you imagine all the ways they might piss me off Exciting!!!!!

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